So, since I had some spare time and the infinite capacity for terrible ideas, I decided to engage in some good ol' fashioned narcissism recently. Cracking open my laptop, I worked my way to the folder I marked as "Book Stuff" long, long ago. Like much of my computer, it reflects my desire and passion for order which effects all of my life until it meets my endless laziness.
But, in that folder I keep a sub-folder for each novel so I can keep virtual scratch paper grouped with the novel those ideas are meant for, and it is kept in rough chronological order. Starting at the top, I opened the first book I ever wrote and worked my way down the list, reading the first chapter of each and every one of them. To put it bluntly, it was hilarious and terrifying.
My first novel, which received the rank of finalist in a contest of my peers, included winner lines like:
"
His
eyes were not blinking, and his gaze never left my face. Jones
moved around the table, shifting awkwardly on his feet, but Weir
never even shifted on his feet."
Or...
“What evidence do
you have against me?” I said as the blood drained from my face.
And what about my terribly subtle way of describing the character's appearance?
"“Well for starters
the neighbor across the street saw a man with black hair, like yours.
She couldn't make out what you were wearing, but stated that your
build was big and muscular. In fact, she said that the killer was
probably somewhere between 6'3” and 6'7”. As you must know, you
stand 6'5”, and your build would be classified 'muscular'."
And yes, I will put this plainly right now, when I wrote this book, I thought I was working on something really fantastic. And I continued to think that for the entire year I spent revising it to get it as good as those sections are. I revised the entire book seven times, and the dialog is still that bad.
In fact, it gets worse from there, because I put extra effort into the first chapter, since the contest I entered it into centered around the start of the novel. Now, while I read it today, I was torn between blushing like a beet and laughing like a maniac.
But then, things got worse.
A Shotgun with No Shells, my hated middle child. It was a western set in a town in a drought that is being plagued by an outlaw and his band of crooks. But wait! There's more! The novel also featured a train robbery where the outlaws knocked trees over onto the tracks to stop it, a crooked law-man, a righteous preacher-man, and an Indian side-kick!
Shipped complete with dialog that sounds exactly like what a teenager in the modern world would say!
It was really that cliche and ridiculous.
Things got a little better with my next book,
Project Theta, but don't think that it doesn't have a pile of shames of it's own too. For instance, two judges for a contest both told me, without the other knowing, that I got the name wrong. They also decided that the first dozen pages or so is pointless and should be cut.
As well, a huge aspect of the novel was that one character ends up betraying the group, and because I knew this, I tried not to feature that character much because I hated them, so everyone saw that twist coming a mile away.
But, more and more I noticed, the first chapter in that book didn't suck as much as the other two! Huzzah!
And then... I cracked open the books that followed it. And guess what? They sucked. I couldn't make myself finish either of the two books after PT because they were both terrible.
With a touch of sadness, I opened my most recent book. And, to my surprise, I loved it. Maybe its just because I'm currently working on it, but I read the first chapter and found myself smiling by the end of it with sincere satisfaction. It has a long way to go before it is actually good, but it is a step up and a step forward.
If this story were to go the way I want it to, I would explain that I started terrible with my first book, and that I've been going upwards ever since, but I know that's not true. As a little tyke, I was a math nerd, and I hated English. Getting me to write anything was a struggle and a half. But here I am, a registered English Major taking no math courses what-so-ever.
It's like the band Showbread. When my older brother started to listen to them, I made fun of him and despised every note that band made. And then, one day I found myself listen to the lyrics and actually giving the band a chance, and I discovered something new.
That band wasn't just good, they were fantastic. Their lyrics inspired me, and their songs energized me. I heard lines like, "I wish I never saw his name written on your note-book, I wish I didn't break my neck to take another look," and I felt their emotion. I listened to Matthias Replaces Judas, and I heard their passion for Christ. And when they chose to release their newest album for free, I saw their generosity, and I had to give up my hate.
From then on, I listened to music better.
You see, if I were in a book, there's no way I would be a hero, an ally, or a villain. Because always there's some scene where we find out that the character has some sort of special power that they're just naturally good with, and that's not me. When it comes to starting, I suck at everything. I'm kinda surprised that I figured out breathing as fast as I did.
Make no mistake, the best I could do in any story is a background character. (Love interest is out of the question unless you're appealing to that niche market of girls who like nerdy book-worms who spend all day working on computers,
ladies.)
I mean, when you watch a movie and the character picks up a sword for the first time, they destroy everyone and the instructor nods, then mutters something about them being the chosen one. When I had my first fencing competition, I only won one of my seven fights, and that was after months of training.
I don't have natural skills. Any ability I've attained has been through blood, sweat, and tears. (Especially that last one. I've always been a cry-baby.) And even there, I still suck pretty bad at pretty much everything. The list of instruments I can play is a blank paper unless you count being able to play one song. Running for any distance is enough to make my legs turn to jello. Really, name a skill and you've got a good chance of naming something I can't do.
Which reminds me, do you know what's the most depressing part of the first book I wrote? I messed up "to/too", "I/Me", and "effect/affect." Most of those are in the first stinking chapter!
But, in the end, I find this all encouraging. You see, I have the ability to screw up pretty much everything, but I think I can also learn from my mistakes.
The Fly-by-Night is an objectively terrible novel, but I like Grim.
I might have gotten my butt handed to me in my first fights, but in the last one I only lost a single match.
I might screw up everything the first time I try it, but that's just part of me and I need to get past that if I'm going to do anything with this great mystery we call life.
Because when the Nile floods, it leaves behind fertile ground for farming. And when I approach my life, I want to make sure that I never flood because floods get out of hand really fast, but the best things from my life have all been born there. My brother, the single best human being I know, isn't close to me because I've found out how to be perfect.
He's close to me because he's learned how to live with me when I act like a raging moron, and how to look past how sucky I can be at being a human.
I'm not alone at this. It took Dean Koontz fourty novels to get to his really good work. Isaac Asimov wrote a million words of fiction before selling his first novel. And Five Iron Frenzy's latest song sounds a lot better than their first album. And guess what? The best episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic came from season 2.
So now, approaching this next year, I have to realize that I have plenty of opportunity for failing horribly. Starting college, learning a new language, paying bills; it's all new territory where I can mess everything up all over again. But maybe if I make a horrible fool of myself, that's just a new and better flood which can destroy me, or leave me a chance to start all over again.
And maybe that's why I like Grim, too. Because, like Grim, I'm a work in progress, so even when there are problems, I know there's always a chance they'll end up getting fixed.
